I sip my whiskey
and stare into the darkness
in some sense I recognize
the boxes yet to be unpacked
framed paintings we meant to hang
something that looks like an easel
but is probably just packing tubes
leaned together at the top
junk now perhaps, it seemed important
when we moved into this new place
and we haven’t yet decided
to discard or to unpack and place it
somewhere, somewhere we might find it
next time we think we need it
the bulb on the other side of the room
burns out with a soft pop
and what had been shadows within shadow
become dark disfigurations
within a deeper darkness
I grin and sip my whiskey
and think this like looking into my past
what I first recognize as things
disguised as shadows within shadow
turn with a snap into blurred darknesses
masked by the general darkness
unknowns in the unknown
perhaps, I tell myself, it doesn’t matter
all the main and minor characters
as far as I know are dead now
they didn’t want the story told while they lived
and probably would not want it told now
when only the very minor characters in it
are still tormented by it, by not knowing it
by having memories that in the night
turn into dreams that lead one into a swamp
and leave one there with a pirogue and lamp
flickering already, with no direction home
I take another sip of whiskey
grin at the darkness once again
and turn back to my computer to finish what I’d started
I read what’s on the screen and sigh
whatever sense it made a few minutes before is gone
I rub my eyes and curse and wonder if it’s true
that when I was younger these lapses
were rainwater on sidewalks
compared to the ponds that they are now
I lean back and stare at the screen
as if a change in perspective
would bring back what I worked on and how
I startle and turn back to my right
yes, a lighter colored shadow floats out from the darkness
I stare, and my desk lamp dims a setting, then another
my computer screen goes dark
I have the wit to hope I saved recently
a ghostly woman now stands ten feet away
I do not recognize her nor her dress
that seems to separate into skirt legs
that gather closer to the knees, tight at the ankles
it blouses to disguise a bosom
and its sleeves mock the skirt legs
loose at the shoulders, closer at elbows, tight at the wrists
she wears a cape and hood that half hides her face
leaving her chin and mouth, cheekbones and nose
all clearly seen but shadowing the eyes and brows and forehead
I think her neck is long but cannot see it
the cape and hood button there
I think that button must interfere with swallowing
She smiles as if she heard my thought
but offers no explanation, just studies me as I do her
something like manners returns to me
“do I know you? I mean, I don’t, do I”
she smiles “let’s say I was your mother’s friend,”
she smiles differently “your father’s too, but less so”
she shrugs “in the beginning anyway”
I put down my chair, surprised to find I’d leaned it back on two legs
I swallow twice, knowing there’s something I should ask
she shrugs again “later I was her friend only”
she pauses and shrugs a third time “I helped her through the bad times”
I nod and offer “I’m glad, I’d thought she went through them alone”
her half face studies me, her mouth gives away nothing that she thinks
eventually she shrugs again “she did, of course, she did”
I open my mouth and raise my finger, then wonder at my objection
the mouth makes a moue “but knowing she had a friend who cared
who was on her side, who had faith in her, that helped
she told me later that it did” the half-face looks away
“but still she had to go through all those…treatments alone
she had to find the strength and courage to make her stand
what they could burn away, what they could not”
the half-face studied me again “it was as ghastly as you think
and maybe half as much again” she said
she turns her body and stares past me at my window
“I think that is all I can bear tonight” she says
again I want to protest
to claim she’s told me too much and not enough
but catch at the half-promise of a return
“thank you” I murmur
she nods and drifts away
back into the darkness of the darkness
my computer screen spits and sizzles and comes to life again
my desk lamp brightens
but now the work on the screen connects to nothing
I shut it down
and hope tomorrow connections return
I stare into the darkness, both darknesses
finish my whiskey and go to bed
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