154.365 - holding myself together tightly

today, a memory
“hold myself together, tightly”
someone said
or I dreamed
and my whole self cried out “yes!”
those nights
those terrible nights
holding myself together, tightly
lest I too disappear
like everything else I knew had

I don’t remember packing
I don’t remember boarding
the plane descended and we six flowed out
people crowded around
and then what?
and then what?
my sister and I in a car
hours days I don’t remember
a long time
my aunt’s house
school in a foreign language
this language
everyone shouting
and those nights
holding myself together, tightly
and then what?
and then what?
my sister and I in a car
hours days I don’t remember
a long time
another aunt’s house
without the yelling
then school again
but by then I knew the language
at least well enough to hear it
and my new aunt had told me
I didn’t need to be afraid
I’d still be there in the morning
and so would she
and so would my sister
my aunt spoke in a soft voice
and I believed her

it happened one more time
I don’t remember packing
and then what?
and then what?
my sister and I in a car
hours days I don’t remember
a long time
and there were my parents
smiling
and later my brothers
but they weren’t smiling
and then what?
and then what?
the six of us in a car
hours days I don’t remember
a long time
an old house
but new to us
except there was no us
we were six
together
who would never be together again
no matter how long we lived
in that house
or any other
but those first nights
when I wanted to hold myself together, tightly
I didn’t need to
I heard my aunt’s soft voice
even though she wasn’t there
I didn’t need to be afraid
I’d still be there in the morning
and so would my sister
and I believed her